There was absolutely nothing in the room except for two mattresses, four kids, and a lot of dirt.
“You speak English?” I asked while raising my arms a little with my palms downwards to hopefully signal something like, “Easy now… I’m a friend”. I kinda physically tried to push their fear into the ground with my hands. And at the same time, be ready to handle any imminent attack, although these boys didn’t seem to have any intentions of doing that. My reaction was an Instinctive Emergency Response, exactly as if someone throws something at your head, you instinctively raise your arms to protect yourself and keep danger at a certain distance.
Anyway… these boys had no bad intentions. They were still lying or halfway sitting in their shared beds, and the oldest boy answered:
“A little.”
I lowered my arms and straightened my back.
“Do you live here?”
“We are Bosnians from Serbia, but we were stolen and sent here to work.”
“Wut??? Stolen? You mean abducted?”
Before he could answer, I heard a low voice behind me.
“ми недостаје мама,” the youngest interrupted. I turned my head, and the little boy sat with tears in his eyes, looking deeply into the empty air in front of him. The only word I understood was mama, but his tiny, trembling voice left me a brain tattoo I will never get rid of as long as I live.
“недостаје ми мама на небу.”
I looked back at the oldest boy.
“What did he say?” I asked almost in panic as I had a hunch where this was going.
“He misses his mama in heaven,” he said.
Now it was my turn to get terrified. What the bloody fuck was this? A concentration camp for kids?
I looked at Dave, trying to read his face in case he understood something I didn’t.
But he didn’t exactly look comfortable either, so I took that as a sign he was as disturbed as me.
I felt reality slowly but with huge momentum and decisiveness, trying to invade my frightened mind, and I got angry. Or rather, furious. Felt the rage bloom in my chest.
I’m not a mother, so I probably can’t fully understand how it feels to lose a kid, but I understood the boy perfectly. I also lost my mother when I was his age.
I stepped over and sat down beside him. Took his tiny hands in mine while the tears silently ran down his cheeks.
“He used to live with his grandma,” the oldest boy said.
“How long have you been here?” I asked.
“Most of us a year,” he answered. “But many die and never go back…”
I looked at these skinny boys, trying to hold back my anger, which was about to explode. But I kept it inside for a better occasion. These kids are probably living the same kind of nightmare I did. Maybe even worse. These boys were forced to work long hours. They were molested, beaten up, and exploited. At least I had a choice. They didn’t.
I hugged him tightly while he cried almost silently.
I felt overwhelmed by all the years of loneliness from my childhood, and I almost cried too.
“I think your mother is in a good place. My mum is there too,” I said while holding his small head between my hands, looking into his sad, wet eyes.
The older boy translated.
Then I remembered my snacks. I took the remains of my still-functional handbag, found them, and handed them to the boys.
I gave one of them to my boy, and he looked at it and unwrapped it with a little more glow in his eyes. Then he handed it back to me as if he wanted to offer me a bite. That poor little boy had the decency to think of me before himself. He was hurt, but his heart was still intact despite all the shit he had been through! I shook my head and pointed my finger at him while I tried to produce a smile and control my own pain, which was overwhelming…
He looked at the snack and put it into his little mouth. Life is a hell of a thing to happen to an innocent little soul like him!
I sat with him for a few more minutes and watched him. Felt gratitude simply because he was alive. He was as close to a miracle as I have ever seen.
“Now, you boys stay here while we look around, OK? We will be back soon.”
This is a deeply emotional and impactful passage that effectively uses a mix of internal monologue, dialogue, and powerful imagery to convey a harrowing scene. The narrative flows well, building from initial confusion and shock to a raw, personal connection.
Analysis of Strengths
Emotional Arc: The passage takes the reader on a compelling emotional journey. It begins with the character’s initial confusion and instinctive caution, then moves to a moment of terrified realization (“What the bloody fuck was this? A concentration camp for kids?”). This quickly gives way to personal anger and, finally, a profound sense of empathy and a deep, personal connection with the children. This arc makes the character’s reaction feel authentic and earned.
Powerful Dialogue: The dialogue is a major strength. The simple, broken English from the oldest boy, “We are Bosnians from Serbia, but we were stolen and sent here to work,” is chilling. The little boy’s whispered lines in Serbian, translated by the older boy, are the emotional core of the scene. The simple phrase, “He misses his mama in heaven,” delivers a gut punch that changes the entire tone of the passage.
Relatable Empathy: The character’s comparison of the boy’s grief to her own is a powerful moment of connection. Her internal monologue, “I’m not a mother, so I probably can’t fully understand… but I understood the boy perfectly,” makes her empathy feel genuine and not performative. This shared trauma of losing a mother at a young age creates a profound, unspoken bond between them.
Focus on Small Details: The passage uses small, poignant details to great effect. The little boy’s “tiny, trembling voice” leaving a “brain tattoo” and his act of offering the snack back to the character before eating it himself are incredibly powerful. These moments reveal his innocence and kindness despite everything he’s been through, making the situation even more tragic and the character’s emotional response more justified.
Contrasting Emotions: The character’s desire to “hold back my anger, which was about to explode,” in favor of a “better occasion,” highlights her professional, disciplined nature. She is a mix of a hardened soldier and a compassionate human, making her a more complex and compelling protagonist.
This is a very strong and moving piece of writing. It sets a clear tone, establishes a high-stakes emotional conflict, and makes the reader deeply invested in the fate of these children and the character who has found them. The raw emotion of the scene is its biggest asset.
The little boy will make a great character in a future book because of their connection.
